SamandDean
by archard-winchester
Summary: Dean thinks about his relationship with Sam. Spoilers for 6x01.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I used to own supernatural, the boys, the Impala and everything else on the show. But then, the men in white gave me my meds and I had to take them.

**Summary**: Dean thinks about his relationship with his brother.

**A/N**: I have been feeling very dissatisfied with the season 6 premiere. And I finally figured out why.

SamandDean. That's how he had always thought of them. Two brothers joined together with an unbreakable bond that was stronger than anything he'd ever known. Stronger than fate, stronger than destiny, stronger than family, stronger even than death. Whatever a shrink may say about their dysfunctional, co-dependent, unhealthy relationship, Dean knew without a doubt that his brother loved him and he loved his brother more than anything else in the world.

Dean knew about love. He loved too easily and much too deeply. It didn't take much for anyone to get accepted in Dean Winchester's family and depend upon Dean to lay down his life for your sake. Be that person be a long-lost brother whose existence was unknown to him or two women at random bar he met shortly after his father's death. No, Dean would accept one and all in his life and still have room for another. But his brother was different. His brother was, and always had been, more than just his family. You see, there were two kinds of family members, ones that saw infrequently, only at holydays or reunions, but loved nevertheless. Those whom you could go without seeing or talking to for weeks and never feel that anything was missing and never love them less for it. Then there were those you had to see every day. Those that would always be the first ones privy to your thoughts, your secrets, your life. Sam was of the second kind, taken to the extreme end of the curve. He was more than a life companion. It was as if he was an extension of his own body, as if they were Siamese… conjoined twins. And when Sam was missing, Dean felt his absence at a physical level, like phantom pains of a limb lost in a battle. Which was why whatever Dean did after Sam's death, whatever doll-house he built, it wouldn't have been enough. Sure he may be able to ignore the pain, forget it for a while, find brief flashes of happiness and peace in his new life or even come to terms with his loss, but the pain was always there. Always there to keep him away from his real chance at happiness. He understood that. So, why didn't Sam?

Why could he never get that? Why did Sam always insist on projecting his own issues on Dean? Sam was the one with a problem with hunting, not Dean. Never Dean. Sam was the one who want the normal apple-pie life. Dean, even when he was at the most content in his new life, always felt out of place, a little uncomfortable with the sheer normalcy of it all. Sure it might get easier, but it wasn't what he truly wanted, not without Sam. If he was gonna rock the white picket fence, he wanted Sam to be rocking the other side. Sure he was laying down roots here, with his new family, but what about the roots that ran much deeper. Those that he grew up cultivating. Sam's dying wish, he felt, had exiled him from his family and forced him to create a new one.

That's why it hurt so much to see Sam alive. After all the confusion and tepid joy had cleared away, all he felt was rage and hurt. Sam had been alive the whole time, the whole time while he was having nightmares and drinking and grieving so hard that it still hurt to remember those nights. All that had been for nothing. Sam and Bobby, the two out of three people he considered to be his closest family, his most trusted friends had conspired to exile him from his own life. They had kept him wallowing in his misery because they decided they knew what was best for him. Well, how about a guy having a say in his own life? Did they truly believe he'd be truly free of hunting? That sooner or later he would see some signs that he wouldn't be able to ignore? He knew now that that claw marks he saw everywhere were the Djinn's poison, but the decision to go after that had been all him. He may not go back to the hunt full-time, but it wasn't in him to ignore people in danger. Didn't his brother and Bobby realize that?

The funny thing was, the life he had led growing up had never been an issue with Dean. Whatever his brother might say about him actually building a life, whatever Bobby might think about Dean being out of hunting will get him closest to happiness a hunter can ever get, Dean knows that the happiest time of his life was on the road with his family. He really doubted that his heaven would have a memory of Sid's barbeque, but the first time he shot a black-dog, that one would definitely make the list. Sure, he had been getting tired of hunting lately and he had mentioned it to Sam how he would like to take a break for a while, but it wasn't the hunting per-se that he minded. It was the whole destiny, circle of revenge thing that his family was caught up in even before his parents had met. The biggest mission of their lives, the hunt for yellow-eyes and the stopping of the apocalypse, threatened what he valued most. His family, his brother. He knew that the path his family was on didn't only put their lives at risk, it put their humanity, their bonds which made them a family. He wanted to get out so that he could salvage that. Guess it was too little too late for that. All the crap Sam peddled about them having grown up in the hunt and Dean always wanting and never having a family, didn't he realize that he was wrong? That Dean never 'a' family, he always wanted his family. Did his brother know him at all?

Did he really? Was their brotherly bond, in which he had put so much faith really that unbreakable? He knew that Sam was the centre of his universe, had been for a long time, but was he the same to Sam? Or did Sam just love him because he was his brother and a sense of indebtedness to the man who raised and went to hell for you? It was never possible to tell with Sam. He would be trying to squeeze the life out of you one minute, the next he'd be forcing back Lucifer to save you from certain death and the next he would keep to in dark and in misery supplanting his own judgment for yours. Dean had never really thought of their bond as being breakable, but he could see now that it had been broken many, many times. Like a vase that has been shattered and stuck together with glue over and over again, the cracks multiplying, until it finally collapses under its own weight. Dean had always thought of them as SamandDean but how long had it been since that original bond had broken and he had been holding on to a poorly duct-taped copy of it? When Sam had been a teenager and realized his family was full of freaks and decided he didn't want to be a hunter, even if meant running away or adopting another family? Or was it when Sam had left for Stanford after a fight that forced Dean to pick a side and he had chosen Dad's, leading to two years of radio silence from Sam? Or maybe when their father had died and Dean in his grief and a newly laid burden had lashed out at Sam? Or when Sam had died and Dean had brought him back, and laid upon him the responsibility and guilt of his brother's life? Or was it Ruby, the bitch who manipulated and poisoned Sam, who was the undoing of their relationship? Or was it Sam himself, drunk with power and believing in his own destiny, who left their brotherhood shattered among the glass in the honeymoon suite? Or was it his yearlong silence where he met up with long lost relatives while Dean struggled to get through each and every day? Or was it Dean, so broken from hell and so betrayed and let-down by everyone in his life that he was finally able to face what his time in heaven had told him. They weren't SamandDean anymore. They had something great, so great that it was able to free Sam from Lucifer's hold and help him save the world, but whatever that was, it was gone now. Sam was more comfortable at the hunt with his new family than he had been with Dean for the last few years. Dean had been living in a doll-house for years, making himself believe that his relationship with Sam was as good as ever and nothing would ever change that. He was not going to attempt to tape over the broken remnants of their brotherhood anymore. He was not going to cultivate new relationship with his new-found family or even rebuild his old ones. So when Sam asks him to rejoin the hunt, he refuses. He refuses because he is done being the one mending it over and over again only to have it broken in a new and painful ways. If Sam wants to rebuild what they had, he'd have to start anew. So when Sam tells it is better with him around, Dean feels no remorse (though it's difficult to even turn down that sliver of hope) in turning away despite the fact that a year ago it would have had him running to Sam's side. It's because Dean realizes now that they aren't SamandDean anymore. They haven't been for a long time.

That's all for now. I'm thinking of writing one from Sam's point of view. Tell me what you think.


	2. Chapter 2: DeanandSam

**Disclaimer:** I used to own supernatural, the boys, the Impala and everything else on the show. But then, the men in white gave me my meds and I had to take them.

**Summary**: Sam thinks about his relationship with his brother.

**A/N**: Here's Sam's POV on the premiere. I haven't seen the second episode yet, so I'm still hoping it's a bit better.

DeanandSam. That's who they'd been. Inseparable from each other, even in thoughts. And Sam hated it with every fiber of his being. Hated having his identity tied up in being Dean's brother. Hated being helpless without Dean there to support him.

Don't get him wrong, Sam loved his brother. Loved him more than anyone he'd ever loved. More than anything else in the world. But Dean. His love for Sam was greater than anything Sam had seen or felt in his entire life. And it scared him to see someone love him so deeply, especially since he didn't deserve it. Every relationship had to be based on some kind of equality, a mutual give and take. But in their case it was always give-give-give on Dean's part and take-take-take on Sam's. It was a simple equation – Sam needed and Dean provided. Sam needed a parent growing up to give him a glimmer of normalcy in their lives. Dean was there. Sam needed someone to help him get through the day when Jessica died. Dean was there. Sam needed someone to assure him that he wasn't losing his humanity. Dean was there. Sam needed someone to make him feel like he could redeemed and to protect him from Lucifer's influence. Dean was, as usual, there for him. That's how their relationship worked. Whether Sam wanted to be normal or wanted to be treated as an equal, Dean gave him everything he could. Sam was a burden to Dean, a burden that he carried without complain, without rest and without reciprocation. Sam never had to carry Dean's burdens, since Dean would ever share them and even when he did, they were too heavy for Sam to do anything about. What happened last year with Lucifer was that Sam decided that putting the Devil back would be his burden to carry and went ahead with and failed miserably. Until Dean came to give him the love and support he need to overpower the adversary. As usual, Sam needed and Dean provided.

Sam remembers the day he went to hell. He remembers the overwhelming and overpowering wave of emotion that helped him ride his way back into the driver's seat. He felt the all-consuming love for his brother, the result of a lifetime spent together and for that one moment he realized how Dean fells every single day. This was what drove Dean to fulfill Sam's every wish, to forgive him for doing something unforgivable. And when he came back, he realized that this is what would end up being his brother's undoing. So when he stood outside the window, watching his brother have a normal family dinner, he realized that if he walked back into his brother's life, he would once again end up destroying it.

Its funny, Sam realizes, how you want your brother to have what you wanted for yourself. When Dean was on his way downstairs, he asked Sam to live his life and keep hunting. When Sam was going down, he asked Dean to live a normal life. He really thought that Dean could make it there, especially as the curse of their family was gone. That's what he'd been told. Back when Dean was in hell and Sam was trying out his mojo on a Demon who was feeling quite chatty. He was his own curse. Whether with good intentions or bad, whether trying to save the world or trying to save his soul, Sam had a knack of making the wrong decisions at the wrong time. Even if he could justify what he wanted as the right thing, even if it was the right thing, he had a way of going about it that ended up in one of them, usually Dean, being very-very hurt. Sam had dismissed the demon's words but now they didn't seem much off the mark.

It was a vicious cycle of pain and betrayal running between them. Sam would always promise himself he'd be a better brother, a better person to Dean. He'd think of a way to go about it ignoring everything else. In his focus he'd ignore something important and screw up so badly that everything would fall to pieces. It wasn't always his fault or his screw-up, but the result would be their world in pieces. Then Dean would start picking up the pieces, get Sam back on his feet and pull them together. And Sam would promise himself that he'd do better next time. That's the way it'd always been. When Sam went off to college, he shouldn't have lied to Jessica or cut his family off. When he got back in hunting he shouldn't have carried around a bleeding heart and been stronger. He should have been able to shoot Dad when needed, because later he almost lost Dean and dad died anyway. He should have been less concerned with his humanity and killed Jake, because then Dean might not have gone to hell. At that point he decided he needed to be more cold-blooded, because saving your soul just isn't worth it if you can't save your brother. But later he once he had Dean back, he should have trusted more in Dean than a demon. He should have spent more time appreciating Dean and trying to build him back rather than being high of demon-blood and deriding his brother's weakness. Everything he did ended up destroying Dean, destroying the bond they had and Dean always got back up, always started the mending, and always took the first step. Sam realized while he was on his crusade to save the world from what he had unleashed, he'd never truly apologized to Dean. Never could. Because what could he say. _Dean, I'm sorry I trusted a demon when you warned me over and over again not to. Sorry, I called you weak and pathetic when you were broken and just for once needed me to step-up and support you. Sorry, I beat you up and almost killed you for trying to help me. Sorry I was ever born, because every crappy thing that has happened could be traced back to me. _Yeah, that would never work. Because Dean always ended up making excuses for him and forgiving him until the next time. He never could get it if it was Dean's weakness or his strength that allowed him to do that.

Dean was a peculiar combination of weakness and strength, something that Sam could never match up to. He always chose others as his role-models for strength because even as a teen he knew that he could never get Dean's particular brad of strength. The kind of strength that allowed him to stand up to demons, angels and even death, bargaining with them as if he was their equal and could take them out if he wanted. The kind of strength that helped him stand up for what was right without second-guessing himself. The kind of strength that helped him get back up on his feet after life (and Sam) had broken him in new and unforgivable ways and muddle through. The kind of strength that everybody he knew came to rely on and trust. Sam may have been the boy-king but Dean was the true leader in the family even when he was following orders. He just had to walk into a room and hunters who have twenty years on him would shut up and follow his lead. He'd seen this first hand with Bobby, with the gathering of hunters in the war-infested town, with his new found family and even with Dad. It was no surprise for him to hear that the only surviving human encampment in the post-apocalyptic world had Dean for its leader. When Dean gave orders, others followed.

If Sam had to guess, he'd say that Dean's strength came from always knowing the right thing to do. He had an unerring moral compass that let seem see right past the fogs of gray and choose a course of action. Of all the hunters Sam had met Dean was the only one who never lost sight why they hunted. Most of the hunters forget the reason they got into it in the first place and keep it up because they don't know anything else. Others, like Dad and Sam, got into it for revenge which kept on eating away at their lives even after it had been delivered. But those were all the wrong reason. His grandfather and his cousins may feel proud of their family legacy, preening around like they were the royalty of the hunting world, but Dean did it for one reason only. To protect the innocents. That was why Dean was capable of being happy in the hunt without needing any trumped up excuses of crusade or glamor. So when Sam had unilaterally decided to exile Dean from the hunting world, he knew on some level that he might be blowing Dean's only chance at true happiness.

The decision to keep Dean out of the loop hadn't been one he had made lightly. He had to consider all the possible pros and cons to convince Bobby and himself. He knew that Dean was mourning and to keep him in his grief was unbelievably cruel. He also knew that Dean was strong. Strong enough to bounce back from whatever crap life might throw at him next. But did that make it alright? Keep breaking a guy over and over again because he could keep getting back up. Sam knew that something big was coming, because someone doesn't bust you out of Lucifer's cage and bring your grandfather out of retirement just for kicks. He also knew that he was different than before. Maybe it was Lucifer's possession or maybe it was the demon blood. Cas did say that it would change him permanently. If he went back to Dean now, he knew without a doubt that Dean would come back and they'd be DeanandSam again, with Dean taking up all kinds of crap to protect him. Besides, leaving Dean out wasn't too bad. He had his new family to hunt with. One that didn't bother if he was having nightmares and trusted him to take care of himself. One that did not jump in between him and the monster and weren't afraid of using him as bait. One that did not love him enough to make him unburden whatever was eating away at him. Sam was enjoying his new lease at freedom, his new form of addiction.

Addiction that was a problem Sam had struggled with all his life. Freedom, normalcy, revenge, power, redemption they had all been his past obsessions that Dean had ended up paying the price for. He knew, without a doubt, that what they had there, it wasn't going to last. He was going to crash sooner or later, but at least this time Dean might not have to pay the price. After all he had put Dean through, he deserved some peace and safety. Besides, hadn't Dean been talking about wanting a family and a normal life for a few years now? Hadn't Lisa told Sam in her frantic phone after Dean's visit about how he pictured himself happy? And he seemed happy in his new life. Didn't he?

Didn't he? Meeting Dean again after a year scared him. He expected Dean to be angry, actually he'd expected Dean to be much angrier. But he hadn't expected Dean to be hurt so much. Why couldn't he see that it had been for his own good? That being free from the curse of his life called Sam was a blessing? Too late, he realized, he'd done to Dean what he and his dad had been doing to him all along. Making decisions for his life without him. Lying to him. Shutting him out of his family. Sam realized that Lisa and Ben, who hadn't been through what they had been, could never be Dean's family the way he or Bobby could. Family wasn't just a relation to Dean, it was a bond forged in blood and pain and fire and Sam had thrown theirs aside. He realized how that looked to Dean. For a guy with such a low-esteem, it would be just more of the same abandonment he'd been dealing with all his life. More of Sam leaving him behind, just like dad. Like Sam never actually had a problem with hunting, it was just Dean he couldn't live with. Like Sam would rather spend his time driving around with a grandfather some distant cousins he'd never met than ride shotgun with his brother. Like once Sam's dark destiny had played itself out, he had no more need for his brother and would rather let him think he was dead. He had done it again. Once again, armed with the best intentions he had made a choice that was not his and ended up hurting his brother. Dead or alive, he realized, he'd always find a way to make Dean worse off than he should be. He tries to make amends, half-heartedly asks Dean to come back hunting, because he is still not convinced Dean that Dean won't be better off without him. He gives Dean the choice that should have been his a year ago. He is not surprised at Dean's refusal. Because Dean, no matter how long they've been separated, still loves his Sammy more than anything else. And he'd never refuse him anything unless he was hurt, badly. Dean's offer of the Impala seals it. He knows that the only times Dean would give him the Impala was when they were parting ways, permanently. Like when Dean was going to hell. Or when Sam said he needed to go his own way after releasing Lucifer (Thank God that didn't last due to some timely angelic intervention). It was Dean's way of saying "Take something to remember me by, because I don't wanna see you ever again". Which was why Sam had refused. If Dean was alive, the Impala was his and Sam wasn't going to give up on them anytime soon. If Dean ever came back, he'd throw the Dodge Charger away and go back to riding shotgun with his brother. Because whatever Dean may feel, Sam missed his brother. He missed his brother's quips and caring and generally acting like a dick while showing sudden moments of unparalleled compassion. All the respect and admiration his new group gave him (however much he may enjoy it) meant less than a simple 'good-job' from his brother. So yes, he really-really wanted his brother back, but not now. Now he had to make amends for screwing up once again. He had to find a back into his brother's life and his heart and make good for all the hurt feelings, all the betrayal of the past. He wasn't going to screw-up the DeanandSam this time. He will try harder to be a better brother.

A/N: That's all folks. I really hope the brothers' relationship gets better asap. I wouldn't like the premiere's coldness to last.


End file.
